All of us know the old saying "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be." Most of the times in my life, people who said this were refering to an animal or boyfriend or some other such silliness. Lately, I have found the first part of this saying to be very true. Sometimes if you love something (or in this case, someone) you have to set it free and find the inner strength to be okay with that. That is the hard part. The whole "if it comes back to you, it is yours and if not, it was never meant to be." doesn't even apply here. Everyone that I am setting free will Forever me a part of my soul.
So what is all this mumbo jumbo I am talking about setting stuff free? In this case it has to do with people....several of them. As most of you know, I lost my maternal grandmother to liver cancer and cirrhosis about 6 weeks ago. It was a hard loss but we all were ready for her suffering and pain to end. That is about the time all of this "set it free" stuff began. I had to learn to set her free, to be ok with her not being here anymore simply because I loved her so very much that I would rather her soul be at peace that to be tormented by all that pain. That was hard to do but I knew without a doubt that it was the right thing and that made it a tad bit easier. My paternal grandmother is 94 years old. She is an emotional strong woman, but her physical body is starting to fail her. Her legs are becoming weak as well as her arms. She has fallen several times over the last few years. Thankfully she has only received bruises from these falls. My greatest fear is that one day she will fall and will be injured and not recover or worse! She still lives alone in the house where she raised her children and lived with her loving, devoted husband that passed away 23 years ago. My grandmother never learned to drive, she never needed to! She lives in downtown Winston so everything is within walking distance. Where ever she wanted to go that she could not walk to, my grandfather drove her. I promise that you have never met a more strong willed individual than my grandmother.
I was informed by my mom that my grandmother had fallen twice in the last week. My parents still see my grandmother every Sunday. It is just I, the rogue grandchild, that has not seen my grandmother for months and decided the other day that I really did need to take the time to see her. I decided that I needed to tell her some things, things that I have kept from her for years and years, to help her understand why I do some of the times I do. It was a very hard conversation to have and I cried like a baby the whole entire hour I was with her talking. I am surprised she understood Anything I said. It was a good conversation and I am glad I took the time to have it. My grandmother was my world when I was young and I needed her to understand that. I am very thankful I was able to find the strength to say the things I did. She hugged me and told me how much she loves me. I will treasure that memory all the days of my life (grandma is the type of person that when you say "Love you Granny." her response is always "Uh huh" or "You to"). My grandmother and my aunt are also the only people other than me that has seen my grandfather's ghost. (Yes I have seen him and no I don't really care whether you believe it or not.) My grandma told me years ago that she knew he was waiting for her. I have never doubted that. So I decided to visit his grave right after I left my grandma's house. It is always hard to visit him, it always makes me so sad. He died of Lung cancer when I was 11. He fought it for 3 years and refused therapy of any kind. He has always been my angel to help guide me through this life. He has all but told me his opinion on my actions at times!( Don't believe me??? Ask Jamie, he will tell you...tv's changing channels and all!!..LOL) When I visited him, I asked him to watch her, to keep her safe, not to let her fall and get hurt, or to suffer. As hard as it would be, I would much rather her pass on in her sleep than to suffer. Of course I cry when I think of this because that means I have to set her free. Do you know how hard that is???
On that same day, the younger two boys had boy scouts. There is a weekend camping trip coming up that is out of state. After talking with the scout master, I decided to let the boys go on this trip...out of state......for the weekend....without a parent/grandparent/aunt/uncle/cousin...for the very first time. AW...my baby boys are growing up!!! I knew this day would come but I didn't expect for them Both to do it at the same time!!!! (Something about the "No more looking up porn on the computer" conversation that we had to have with BOTH boys a few months ago clued me into that this day was coming but still, you are never ready for it!) I am proud that the boys are growing up, becoming independent, handsome young men. Learning to set them free to grow up is not always so easy.
Joshua and Kaitlin are in high school. (enough said right...) Joshua has his drivers permit and drives us to school in the mornings. The day is very quickly coming when Kaitlin will be going through drivers ed class. Kaitlin will get her drivers permit only weeks before Josh gets his license. They are active in football and marching band. Basketball season is quickly coming up as is wrestling. They are independent young adults that really only need us to help them get from place to place.....for now. Learning to set them free to be the wonderful, smart adults that we have been helping prepare them to be is not easy.
All of the kids have emotional highs and lows. I so very much want to fix the lows, to make it all better, but I can't. It is life and it is something they will have to learn to handle on their own. I can only be a good listener and someone to lean on, to help support them whie they figure out life on their own. That is hard to do. To not step in and be momma bear just for the sake of my childs emotions is hard.....learning to set free.
So as the fall weather creeps in on us, the earth is moving into hibernation and some the leaves are starting to die. The earth is going through a change, a much needed change, but a change no less. I to am going through a change. Learning to let go, balance home and family, help when I can, take care of my husband, mom-in-law, and four-legged babies, plus continue to work on my self. I am learning to grow by learning to let go.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
New Challenges
With a new year comes new challenges.
Many of you know (but more of you don't know) that our middle son, Damien, was diagnosed several years ago with Asperber's Syndrome. This, in and of itself, can be a challenge at times. He thinks in a different way that most of us and searches for an explaination to Everything. Knowing this about him will either explain a lot or teach you something new about our family.
People with Asperger's normally have tics (also known as stimming). They can be simple, using only one muscle group, or they can be complex, using more than one muscle group. Recently, Damien's tics have gotten much worse. Of course, this means I dive head first into research and of course with research you can and will find 1,000 different answers/examples/people. In my research I found out that Tourettes can run on the same spectrum as Asperger's and infact, about 50% of the people diagnosed with Aspergers are also diagnosed with Tourettes. Now Tourettes is much much more than the 5% of people we all hear about with the "screaming of random curse words" vocal tic. Tourettes can be any repetitive movement and infact most people have some form of a tic, it is just not bad enough to be classified as Tourettes. Examples would be playing with your hair or chewing on your lip while bored or thinking. Shaking your leg or foot without thinking about it is another good example. It is the brains way of focusing on one specific thought or task. People will sometimes listen to music while doing homework or paper work because it helps them focus. This is a hearing tic. All very common stuff. It is only when these actions become an extreme/ abnormal/ severe that is is falling into the Aspergers Stimming realm or Tourettes. Figuring out the difference between the diagnoses is the hard part. Even professionals have a hard time telling the difference sometimes because there is no specific list or guideline for either that doesn't fall in the gray zone.
Every website gives different guidelines as to tics vs stimming. The one thing I do now know as fact is that whether it is stimming or tics, the need to make the movement is known to the individual before they do the action. Let me explain that one a little more. You can tell a sneeze is coming before you actually sneeze right? Tics/stimming is kind of the same thing. The individual has a feeling or a need to make certain actions before actual doing it. Knowing this is important because this means it is controlled to a degree. Damiens tics/stims in public or at school are only noticable if you are looking for them. He will usually rub his hair in one quick, short movement but he does this only 2 times per minute so it goes unnoticed. He will also rub down the side of his face or cheek like it is starting to itch. He will reposition his feet alot and somethimes he will make a very quiet grunting sound. Unless you are sitting right next to him, you will not hear it. At home is a whole different story. He is safe and comforable in his own environment. He will have facial contortions, chest slapping, hand and arm stiffening, and in some cases will jump, stomp, or something else that will involve a full body movement. The incident recently (because I am not sure what else to call it) was a full on tic meltdown with full body movement and complex tics in public. Other than in a dark movie theather during the movie, this was a first. It was boardering on totally uncontrolled. It Had been a stressfull week and day. It was the week my grandmother passed away and it was the first day of school. To top it off, we were at one of Joshua's football games and our team was winning so the excitement was in the air.
What brings these on? Anything exciting or anything causing anxiety. A video on youtube that is funny, an exciting part in a movie, a close encounter in a video game, parts of his homework that really makes him think. Understanding this and having the other siblings understand this has been a goal for many years. His actions are second nature to the rest of the family and we normal pay him no attention during these times. In fact he doesn't want us to pay any attention to him. If he do look up at him he will stop and ask "What?" which we answer "Nothing". He knows that these actions are out of the norm for most people. We are working on getting him to understand that these are ok and not anything to be embarressed by. I'm not sure how well it will work, but we will see.
So why am I telling all of you all of this? I guess I am putting it out there for a few reasons. 1. If you see Damien doing any of these things you will know a little back ground into what he is doing and why and will hopefully help him feel comfortable in doing so. 2. This is a public blog and getting feed back from anyone else who has done more research than I have would be great. 3. Any thoughts, feeling, or questions are welcome. If you can think of any questions I haven't, feel free to share.
The Blog is entitled Eibhleann's World (Eibhleann is my Celtic name) for a reason. Our world is a very interesting place to be. We are always busy and never lacking in the excitement catagory.
Many of you know (but more of you don't know) that our middle son, Damien, was diagnosed several years ago with Asperber's Syndrome. This, in and of itself, can be a challenge at times. He thinks in a different way that most of us and searches for an explaination to Everything. Knowing this about him will either explain a lot or teach you something new about our family.
People with Asperger's normally have tics (also known as stimming). They can be simple, using only one muscle group, or they can be complex, using more than one muscle group. Recently, Damien's tics have gotten much worse. Of course, this means I dive head first into research and of course with research you can and will find 1,000 different answers/examples/people. In my research I found out that Tourettes can run on the same spectrum as Asperger's and infact, about 50% of the people diagnosed with Aspergers are also diagnosed with Tourettes. Now Tourettes is much much more than the 5% of people we all hear about with the "screaming of random curse words" vocal tic. Tourettes can be any repetitive movement and infact most people have some form of a tic, it is just not bad enough to be classified as Tourettes. Examples would be playing with your hair or chewing on your lip while bored or thinking. Shaking your leg or foot without thinking about it is another good example. It is the brains way of focusing on one specific thought or task. People will sometimes listen to music while doing homework or paper work because it helps them focus. This is a hearing tic. All very common stuff. It is only when these actions become an extreme/ abnormal/ severe that is is falling into the Aspergers Stimming realm or Tourettes. Figuring out the difference between the diagnoses is the hard part. Even professionals have a hard time telling the difference sometimes because there is no specific list or guideline for either that doesn't fall in the gray zone.
Every website gives different guidelines as to tics vs stimming. The one thing I do now know as fact is that whether it is stimming or tics, the need to make the movement is known to the individual before they do the action. Let me explain that one a little more. You can tell a sneeze is coming before you actually sneeze right? Tics/stimming is kind of the same thing. The individual has a feeling or a need to make certain actions before actual doing it. Knowing this is important because this means it is controlled to a degree. Damiens tics/stims in public or at school are only noticable if you are looking for them. He will usually rub his hair in one quick, short movement but he does this only 2 times per minute so it goes unnoticed. He will also rub down the side of his face or cheek like it is starting to itch. He will reposition his feet alot and somethimes he will make a very quiet grunting sound. Unless you are sitting right next to him, you will not hear it. At home is a whole different story. He is safe and comforable in his own environment. He will have facial contortions, chest slapping, hand and arm stiffening, and in some cases will jump, stomp, or something else that will involve a full body movement. The incident recently (because I am not sure what else to call it) was a full on tic meltdown with full body movement and complex tics in public. Other than in a dark movie theather during the movie, this was a first. It was boardering on totally uncontrolled. It Had been a stressfull week and day. It was the week my grandmother passed away and it was the first day of school. To top it off, we were at one of Joshua's football games and our team was winning so the excitement was in the air.
What brings these on? Anything exciting or anything causing anxiety. A video on youtube that is funny, an exciting part in a movie, a close encounter in a video game, parts of his homework that really makes him think. Understanding this and having the other siblings understand this has been a goal for many years. His actions are second nature to the rest of the family and we normal pay him no attention during these times. In fact he doesn't want us to pay any attention to him. If he do look up at him he will stop and ask "What?" which we answer "Nothing". He knows that these actions are out of the norm for most people. We are working on getting him to understand that these are ok and not anything to be embarressed by. I'm not sure how well it will work, but we will see.
So why am I telling all of you all of this? I guess I am putting it out there for a few reasons. 1. If you see Damien doing any of these things you will know a little back ground into what he is doing and why and will hopefully help him feel comfortable in doing so. 2. This is a public blog and getting feed back from anyone else who has done more research than I have would be great. 3. Any thoughts, feeling, or questions are welcome. If you can think of any questions I haven't, feel free to share.
The Blog is entitled Eibhleann's World (Eibhleann is my Celtic name) for a reason. Our world is a very interesting place to be. We are always busy and never lacking in the excitement catagory.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Hope this helps.
It seems that with this New Year, a lot of change is happening. Everything from personal lives to the weather, everything is changing everyday.
Today I feel the need to take the time to reflect, ground, and heal. I also feel the need to share this with all of you because I feel my friends could benefit from this. Maybe it is the Shamanic side of me.
There has been a lot of hurt in our past. It is time to let that go. The hurt in the past was required for us to become who we are today. I like to think of it as a learning experience. Some of this hurt we had control over and some not. The part we had control over, it is time to forgive ourselves and move forward. Don't continue to do the what if's..it is in the past and can not be changed. The parts we did not have control over, we have to forgive those too. This can be harder because we want to hold on to the resentment. (I was sexual abused at a young age, just once but once was enough. I had to learn to forgive). The problem with holding on to the resentment is it seeps out of us and into the people around us. Do you Really want your dearest loves to have resentment built up inside of them to the point of physical anger? Of course not. They have enough going on in their own lives, don't add more to them by unknowingly pushing your own resentment on them. It is not something you would ever do on purpose, but energy is a funny thing. The best way I have found that works for me to release negative energy is to close my eyes and imagine this black cloud inside of me. With each breath in I try to ball up this cloud. When I exhale I see the cloud coming out of my mouth and disappearing. The next breath in, I see the air coming into my body as a positive color and filling the space that the black cloud left. I do this over and over about 5 or 6 times until all the black cloud is gone. Sometimes I do this outside on a windy day when my negativity is pretty high. This way it makes me feel I am truly blowning the negativity away and my family can't "catch it".
I try to ground myself by noticing the world around me. Watching the birds eat and listening to their chatter. Do a little cloud watching just to take in the awe of what force it takes to move something so large across a the sky. I touch the earth and feel the coolness of it in my hands and see how alive it is. All of these things connect me to the world around me. I am but a very small part of this earth. My problems are minor compared to the problems of the world.
I heal by doing something positive. Whether it be for me or someone else. I feed the birds, I weed the garden, I hold to door for the elderly person at the store. Yes, these are all things I do normally but when I am trying to heal I pay attention to how these "good deeds" make me feel. Not like a chore I am required to do. I see the honest thankfulness of the person I helped. I allow myself to smile at the job well done when I get the curtain washed and rehung, I watch a sleeping puppy dream and smile that they are happy and healthy. I don't go pay lots of money or spend a great deal of time in doing any of these things. It is truly paying attention to the small details of life and how they can make you feel better about yourself and help the ones around you feel happier as well.
One more thing, I think it is always always always important to remember that actions speak louder than words. You can Tell some one you love them, appreicate them, miss them, are thankful for them all day long. If you are too self absorbed to show it with a hug, a card, a phone call out of the blue, then your words will mean nothing. It is like having a vehicle and forgetting to put gas into it. You will find yourself on E on the side of the road. You thought about putting gas in the car, you even said you were going to, but if you don't actual do it all your talk is for nothing. Take that extra second and make the effort to show it. The one on the receiving end will appreciate the effort.
Ok, lesson for the day is done....hehehe. Thank you Lady Brigid for the inspiration to write this and to my Native American elders for passing the gift of Shamanism on to me. The need to share this with you was great and I look forward to sharing more of my life with you.
Blessed Be!
Today I feel the need to take the time to reflect, ground, and heal. I also feel the need to share this with all of you because I feel my friends could benefit from this. Maybe it is the Shamanic side of me.
There has been a lot of hurt in our past. It is time to let that go. The hurt in the past was required for us to become who we are today. I like to think of it as a learning experience. Some of this hurt we had control over and some not. The part we had control over, it is time to forgive ourselves and move forward. Don't continue to do the what if's..it is in the past and can not be changed. The parts we did not have control over, we have to forgive those too. This can be harder because we want to hold on to the resentment. (I was sexual abused at a young age, just once but once was enough. I had to learn to forgive). The problem with holding on to the resentment is it seeps out of us and into the people around us. Do you Really want your dearest loves to have resentment built up inside of them to the point of physical anger? Of course not. They have enough going on in their own lives, don't add more to them by unknowingly pushing your own resentment on them. It is not something you would ever do on purpose, but energy is a funny thing. The best way I have found that works for me to release negative energy is to close my eyes and imagine this black cloud inside of me. With each breath in I try to ball up this cloud. When I exhale I see the cloud coming out of my mouth and disappearing. The next breath in, I see the air coming into my body as a positive color and filling the space that the black cloud left. I do this over and over about 5 or 6 times until all the black cloud is gone. Sometimes I do this outside on a windy day when my negativity is pretty high. This way it makes me feel I am truly blowning the negativity away and my family can't "catch it".
I try to ground myself by noticing the world around me. Watching the birds eat and listening to their chatter. Do a little cloud watching just to take in the awe of what force it takes to move something so large across a the sky. I touch the earth and feel the coolness of it in my hands and see how alive it is. All of these things connect me to the world around me. I am but a very small part of this earth. My problems are minor compared to the problems of the world.
I heal by doing something positive. Whether it be for me or someone else. I feed the birds, I weed the garden, I hold to door for the elderly person at the store. Yes, these are all things I do normally but when I am trying to heal I pay attention to how these "good deeds" make me feel. Not like a chore I am required to do. I see the honest thankfulness of the person I helped. I allow myself to smile at the job well done when I get the curtain washed and rehung, I watch a sleeping puppy dream and smile that they are happy and healthy. I don't go pay lots of money or spend a great deal of time in doing any of these things. It is truly paying attention to the small details of life and how they can make you feel better about yourself and help the ones around you feel happier as well.
One more thing, I think it is always always always important to remember that actions speak louder than words. You can Tell some one you love them, appreicate them, miss them, are thankful for them all day long. If you are too self absorbed to show it with a hug, a card, a phone call out of the blue, then your words will mean nothing. It is like having a vehicle and forgetting to put gas into it. You will find yourself on E on the side of the road. You thought about putting gas in the car, you even said you were going to, but if you don't actual do it all your talk is for nothing. Take that extra second and make the effort to show it. The one on the receiving end will appreciate the effort.
Ok, lesson for the day is done....hehehe. Thank you Lady Brigid for the inspiration to write this and to my Native American elders for passing the gift of Shamanism on to me. The need to share this with you was great and I look forward to sharing more of my life with you.
Blessed Be!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
It's been a while.
I didn't realize how long it has been since I sat down to write. It is the second of Febuary and the sun is out and shining. It is a beautiful 65 degrees. I have a limited amount of time to finish up what I wanted to get done this winter inside this house before I will be drawn outside and can be found doing yard work. There is so much to say that i am not even sure where to begin.
I guess first of all I can be thankful that my family is finally starting to pull out of all the sickness that we have been plagued with over the last month. A couple big decisions have been made over the last several months. As some of you know by now, Jamie's mother will be moving to North Carolina from Iowa next month. We are all very excited that she will be close at hand and the kids are beside themselves with joy over spending time with grandma. Of course Jamie will be happier knowing his mom is here. She will be staying with us for a few months until things settle down and we can find the right place for her (she wants a cat so we have to make sure it is a pet friendly environment). We are hoping she will be living near Joshua's school so he can visit grandma in the afternoons if he wishes. Of course Kaitlin will be there next year so the same goes for her.
The kids are all doing great in school. We are so very proud of them. They are involved in several different sports so we are always on the go. Overall, we could not ask for better, more well behaved kids. They are growing up so fast! I realized I have not posted recent pictures of them and need to do so. The whole point to our facebook and blog is to keep our family that is not close up to date on whats happening at the Stevens house.
Due to everything that is going on in our super busy lives, I have decided that finishing college right now is simply not going to work. Maybe in a few years I will have the time to finish up my degree. I have thought of changing my degree when i do go back, but that will still be a while. We are simply too busy and have too much to do for me to complete that right now. it has been a hard decision for me, but a necessary one. Jamie, of course, supports me in any decision I make about school as long as I plan on finishing at some point.
Jamie has started working on his book again. It is hard to find that quiet time he needs with so many bodies in this house...lol. And even when we are not home, the fur babies are. But it is all coming together and I am starting to get excited about the out coming and happy for him at the pure accomplishment it will bring to finish a book he has worked on for so many years.
In all of this, we are trying to eat better and take better care of our bodies. We have a family YMCA membership and had been going regularly until "the sickness" settled in. We are hopeful that we can get back on track with our routines now. We have been helping out friends with different things and being supportive. As Jamie says, if Karma truly exists then we are in the good....lol. (Not that Karma is the reason behind any of our actions). Ok, I think I have bored you with enough of my randomness for one day. If I came up with anything structured I will let you know. Time to get kids and start evening routines. It feels good to inform all of our family as to our in and abouts....Love to All!
I guess first of all I can be thankful that my family is finally starting to pull out of all the sickness that we have been plagued with over the last month. A couple big decisions have been made over the last several months. As some of you know by now, Jamie's mother will be moving to North Carolina from Iowa next month. We are all very excited that she will be close at hand and the kids are beside themselves with joy over spending time with grandma. Of course Jamie will be happier knowing his mom is here. She will be staying with us for a few months until things settle down and we can find the right place for her (she wants a cat so we have to make sure it is a pet friendly environment). We are hoping she will be living near Joshua's school so he can visit grandma in the afternoons if he wishes. Of course Kaitlin will be there next year so the same goes for her.
The kids are all doing great in school. We are so very proud of them. They are involved in several different sports so we are always on the go. Overall, we could not ask for better, more well behaved kids. They are growing up so fast! I realized I have not posted recent pictures of them and need to do so. The whole point to our facebook and blog is to keep our family that is not close up to date on whats happening at the Stevens house.
Due to everything that is going on in our super busy lives, I have decided that finishing college right now is simply not going to work. Maybe in a few years I will have the time to finish up my degree. I have thought of changing my degree when i do go back, but that will still be a while. We are simply too busy and have too much to do for me to complete that right now. it has been a hard decision for me, but a necessary one. Jamie, of course, supports me in any decision I make about school as long as I plan on finishing at some point.
Jamie has started working on his book again. It is hard to find that quiet time he needs with so many bodies in this house...lol. And even when we are not home, the fur babies are. But it is all coming together and I am starting to get excited about the out coming and happy for him at the pure accomplishment it will bring to finish a book he has worked on for so many years.
In all of this, we are trying to eat better and take better care of our bodies. We have a family YMCA membership and had been going regularly until "the sickness" settled in. We are hopeful that we can get back on track with our routines now. We have been helping out friends with different things and being supportive. As Jamie says, if Karma truly exists then we are in the good....lol. (Not that Karma is the reason behind any of our actions). Ok, I think I have bored you with enough of my randomness for one day. If I came up with anything structured I will let you know. Time to get kids and start evening routines. It feels good to inform all of our family as to our in and abouts....Love to All!
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