If you love something, set it free.

                      All of us know the old saying "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be." Most of the times in my life, people who said this were refering to an animal or boyfriend or some other such silliness. Lately, I have found the first part of this saying to be very true. Sometimes if you love something (or in this case, someone) you have to set it free and find the inner strength to be okay with that. That is the hard part. The whole "if it comes back to you, it is yours and if not, it was never meant to be." doesn't even apply here. Everyone that I am setting free will Forever me a part of my soul.
                   So what is all this mumbo jumbo I am talking about setting stuff free? In this case it has to do with people....several of them. As most of you know, I lost my maternal grandmother to liver cancer and cirrhosis about 6 weeks ago. It was a hard loss but we all were ready for her suffering and pain to end. That is about the time all of this "set it free" stuff began. I had to learn to set her free, to be ok with her not being here anymore simply because I loved her so very much that I would rather her soul be at peace that to be tormented by all that pain. That was hard to do but I knew without a doubt that it was the right thing and that made it a tad bit easier.  My paternal grandmother is 94 years old. She is an emotional strong woman, but her physical body is starting to fail her. Her legs are becoming weak as well as her arms. She has fallen several times over the last few years. Thankfully she has only received bruises from these falls. My greatest fear is that one day she will fall and will be injured and not recover or worse! She still lives alone in the house where she raised her children and lived with her loving, devoted husband that passed away 23 years ago. My grandmother never learned to drive, she never needed to! She lives in downtown Winston so everything is within walking distance. Where ever she wanted to go that she could not walk to, my grandfather drove her. I promise that you have never met a more strong willed individual than my grandmother.
                 I was informed by my mom that my grandmother had fallen twice in the last week. My parents still see my grandmother every Sunday. It is just I, the rogue grandchild, that has not seen my grandmother for months and decided the other day that I really did need to take the time to see her. I decided that I needed to tell her some things, things that I have kept from her for years and years, to help her understand why I do some of the times I do. It was a very hard conversation to have and I cried like a baby the whole entire hour I was with her talking. I am surprised she understood Anything I said. It was a good conversation and I am glad I took the time to have it. My grandmother was my world when I was young and I needed her to understand that. I am very thankful I was able to find the strength to say the things I did. She hugged me and told me how much she loves me. I will treasure that memory all the days of my life (grandma is the type of person that when you say "Love you Granny." her response is always "Uh huh" or "You to"). My grandmother and my aunt are also the only people other than me that has seen my grandfather's ghost. (Yes I have seen him and no I don't really care whether you believe it or not.) My grandma told me years ago that she knew he was waiting for her. I have never doubted that. So I decided to visit his grave right after I left my grandma's house. It is always hard to visit him, it always makes me so sad. He died of Lung cancer when I was 11. He fought it for 3 years and refused therapy of any kind. He has always been my angel to help guide me through this life. He has all but told me his opinion on my actions at times!( Don't believe me??? Ask Jamie, he will tell you...tv's changing channels and all!!..LOL) When I visited him, I asked him to watch her, to keep her safe, not to let her fall and get hurt, or to suffer. As hard as it would be, I would much rather her pass on in her sleep than to suffer. Of course I cry when I think of this because that means I have to set her free. Do you know how hard that is???
              On that same day, the younger two boys had boy scouts. There is a weekend camping trip coming up that is out of state. After talking with the scout master, I decided to let the boys go on this trip...out of state......for the weekend....without a parent/grandparent/aunt/uncle/cousin...for the very first time. AW...my baby boys are growing up!!! I knew this day would come but I didn't expect for them Both to do it at the same time!!!! (Something about the "No more looking up porn on the computer" conversation that we had to have with BOTH boys a few months ago clued me into that this day was coming but still, you are never ready for it!) I am proud that the boys are growing up, becoming independent, handsome young men. Learning to set them free to grow up is not always so easy.
                 Joshua and Kaitlin are in high school. (enough said right...) Joshua has his drivers permit and drives us to school in the mornings. The day is very quickly coming when Kaitlin will be going through drivers ed class. Kaitlin will get her drivers permit only weeks before Josh gets his license. They are active in football and marching band. Basketball season is quickly coming up as is wrestling. They are independent young adults that really only need us to help them get from place to place.....for now. Learning to set them free to be the wonderful, smart adults that we have been helping prepare them to be is not easy.
              All of the kids have emotional highs and lows. I so very much want to fix the lows, to make it all better, but I can't. It is life and it is something they will have to learn to handle on their own. I can only be a good listener and someone to lean on, to help support them whie they figure out life on their own. That is hard to do. To not step in and be momma bear just for the sake of my childs emotions is hard.....learning to set free.
              So as the fall weather creeps in on us, the earth is moving into hibernation and some the leaves are starting to die. The earth is going through a change, a much needed change, but a change no less.  I to am going through a change. Learning to let go, balance home and family, help when I can, take care of my husband, mom-in-law, and four-legged babies, plus continue to work on my self. I am learning to grow by learning to let go.